Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
