3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
