Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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