Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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