Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
