First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
