Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
