I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He passed out mid-signature
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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