U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
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