First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
