I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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