It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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