My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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