Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
