Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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