i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
