Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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