I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
