I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
