I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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