If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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