What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We are two peas in an std pod
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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