ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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