I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
