my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
