at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
