She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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