Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
