Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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