"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
