so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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