Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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