hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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