hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
