There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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