I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
