If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
