Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
