Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
