I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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