the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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