he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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