Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
