Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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