Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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