He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I fill condoms, not promises.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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