Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
