Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
