god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
