So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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