just tell him i said nine months
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
