Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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