My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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