i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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