thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
