I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i drank out of a bidet.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
