Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
