How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
