alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
