theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
