yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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