Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
